Nowadays, people are wasting no time in getting the holidays over with, and I say this because – the day after Halloween, I drove passed a house that had Christmas lights on it. I don’t know; maybe getting older takes the fun out of all of this shit. Hell, maybe I’m the one that isn’t seeing things the way that other people are.
But, (and you need to bear with me on this), what if, let’s just say – hypothetically, there are millions of people out there that feel exactly like I do when there’s another holiday slammed in their face, like … before they even have a chance to take their fucking wallet out. Have I gone mad? I mean – have I?
If for some reason you find yourself unfortunate enough to be alone during these times, listen up, I have something here that may interest you. I, along with a single submission from a friend, have compiled a list of 143 things that you can do to keep your mind off of the bitterness of the holiday season. Yes, a list of one hundred and forty-three awesome ideas at your disposal, and all you have to do is scroll down and soak up my offerings, you sketchy, little, biscuit.
OK, if you’re ready to do this, press play on the video below and immerse yourself in some KLN gravy in the form of:
143 THINGS TO DO WHEN THE HOLIDAYS HAVE YOU DOWN.
1: Create a website (or a blog) on WordPress.
2: Spread rumors online that Santa Clause is the work of Satan.
3: Spray paint “This house sells drugs!”, on someone’s garage door.
4: Greet everybody you see, with “Hey there, fuck face!”
5: Pull into any fast-food drive-through and order plywood, and tiles.
6: Call your local radio station and tell them the last song they played was racist.
7: Post on Facebook that you’ve just won $50,000 on a scratch-off ticket. Await results.
8: Create an account on Kageshi.
9: Stand at the corner of a busy intersection with a sign that says, “This is a sign!”
10: Turn someone’s microwave upside-down. Deny everything.
11: Steal the first person’s spot in line at any Black Friday event, while wearing a Grinch costume. Refuse to move! If you do this, I promise you will end up on one of the most viewed viral videos in history. Don’t fight anyone if they hit you, just stand there – you’re the fucking GRINCH! Link us any media from this. That includes pics, vids, or fines. We’ll scratch out the personal information and add it to this post!
12: Rake the leaves on your lawn, bag them, and then rip the bags open 4 houses down from you. Do this in broad daylight and you will be the talk of the town.
13: If there’s a chance you still have an account on myspace (and actually remember your login information), make a post saying you just woke up from a 12-year coma. At the end of the post, write “Add me! I will comment on all of your pics!”
14: Post the following on Facebook, word for word. “Hey, just wanted to say that I think it’s time to get rid of some people on here. I need balance in my life and some of you are just sickening. Family members this applies to you, too. Sorry, I’m just keeping it 100. Don’t bother commenting or I will remove and block you. This is not a cry for attention, I just don’t need the drama in my life anymore. Also, I need to borrow $20 from someone. Thanks, everyone. Much love.” If you do this, send us a screenshot, we’ll post it here!
15: Log in to Facebook and comment on the first ten posts you see in your news feed, with “Yeah, sure. smh at this bs. Get a fucking life, will you?”, and then click Like on your own comment. Send results and you may end up right here in this list!
16: Call any motel and ask them if you can rent a room for thirty minutes.
17: Do Squat Thrusts in line at the gas station. If you do this, do twenty of them.
18: Call any pizza delivery place and ask them if they just called you. When they say “No”, ask them why their number is on your caller ID and what exactly do they want with you.
19: Make a blanket fort in the parking lot of any AT&T store. Refuse to leave. Say you’re waiting for the iPhone 8 whether they like it or not.
20: Look online for free giveaways and order everything you can find. This could take a while, but you will have all kinds of weird shit sent to your house.
21: Get drunk and yell at your freezer door. Seriously, scream at it. If there are others in the house, do it while they’re asleep. Phrase to scream: “You don’t fucking even KNOW ME!” You must do this at least twenty times for it to really be effective.
22: Call anyone in your contacts and when they answer, repeat the following, word for word “Hey, you may want to sit down for this…” and then go silent. Do not hang up, just simply shut the fuck up. If they hang up and call you back, answer with “Hey, sit down to may you this for want”, and again, go silent. Don’t laugh or breathe in the fucking mouthpiece, just be quiet for as long as you can. Leave a comment with what they say to you? Thanks!
23: Call Walmart and tell whoever answers, “I lost a wallet near the self-checkout with about $280 cash in it.” Ask them to look for it for you. Wait it out, it could take a few minutes. When they return, the only thing you are allowed to say is, “Just kidding.”
24: Upgrade to Kageshi Premium.
25: Wear a pair of jeans inside-out. Walk around a grocery store and say to whoever you are near, “Finally, someone who works here! Hey, any idea where the fish paste aisle is?” Only ask people who don’t work there, though. You must be serious. Don’t fuck this up by smiling or acting like a fucking shit bag. Stand your ground. If they say “no”, or “I don’t work here”, look them in the eye and say, “They’re watching you too, huh?”
26: Call an arts and crafts store and ask them if they have any ‘fat quarters’. If they say yes, you must say: “How much is that going to cost me, because I ain’t fucking with no good-good at the moment – I’m just trying to roll a couple of B’s.”
27: Log into Facebook. Comment on the first post you see, with “Dude, there’s a bunch of people on 4chan posting your nudes”, then click Like on your comment.
28: Write a poem about why the holiday sucks. Send us a copy and we’ll add it to this post!
29: Enter 5 rooms on Kageshi as a guest, using the name: I_am_the_wart. Paste the following into each room, “If you don’t fucking ban me, I will keep coming in here until you do! You know who this is and I’m tired of your shit!”, Send us screenshots and we’ll proudly display your work right here in this list!
30: Call someone you haven’t spoken to in over 5 months and ask them if you can borrow $100. If they say “no”, or “I don’t have it”, repeat the following, word for word, “Yeah, I figured you’d low-ball me like this. I was just trying to pay my light bill”, and then hang up. If they call back (which they most likely will), you absolutely must answer by saying this, “Look, man. Can I just get that coke on a front until tomorrow?!” – pause for 2 seconds and say, “Oh, fuck!”, then hang up. Be serious if you want this to work. It’ll sound more realistic.
31: Stand near the entrance to Walmart, and ask people if they want to test out the new ‘invisible shopping carts’. BE SERIOUS. Don’t fuck this up by acting like some goofy ass YouTube prankster. Act like you’re holding an invisible fucking shopping cart. Motion for them to grab it – If/when they extend their arms out to grab this invisible shopping cart handle, start crying and run away. BONUS: If while running away, you yell out, “YOU FUCKING RUINED IT!”, you will be a true KLN hero.
32: Go into a gas station, walk up to the counter and ask them where the nearest gas station is.
33: Stand at a busy intersection holding a sign that says, “SANTA CLAUSE IS A FUCKING CONSPIRACY! LIES, LIES, LIES!”
34: If other people live in the same home as you, ask each of them if they’ve seen a red solo cup filled with urine anywhere. After you’ve asked all of them, walk into your bedroom and yell out, “Nevermind, I forgot I drank it!”
35: Knock on your neighbor’s door and ask them if you can film a documentary about their “odd lifestyle”, STAND YOUR GROUND.
36: Call PetSmart and tell them the Rose Hair Tarantula you bought from them is showing signs of PTSD.
37: Ask the first person you see if they have the code for Contra.
38: Enter a random ten-digit number in your phone and send a text saying, “I think we need to talk”, and then never text it again. No replies. Nothing. Just let it go.
39: Call a printing shop and ask them if you can order 1,000 business cards. Tell them you need white cards with white lettering. As soon as they begin to respond, say “Wait, this isn’t McDonald’s is it?“, pretend you’re disappointed and then just hang up.
40: Call McDonald’s and ask if they’re still selling the McBusinessCard. As soon as they start to reply, quickly interrupt with “I’m gonna need about 1,000 of these things.”
41: Go to PetSmart, tell them you need 80 crickets. Someone will open the cricket tank and bag them up for you. After they hand you the bag, pretend to point out 80 crickets while counting to 80 out loud (not yelling, just count where they can hear you). Then, give the bag back and tell them you were just kidding and wanted to see if they’d really bag them. Hand them the bag, and leave the store without saying another word. BONUS: Right as you’re about to walk out the door, yell out “Hey, did y’all get that on video. I just owned that fuckin’ guy/girl”.
42: Pull up to any fast-food place and ask them what time it is. When they tell you, say “Damn, that’s what I thought…” and drive off.
43: Pick up a nasty habit, such as: smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol.
44: Ask your neighbor if they’re OK with you running a splice from their internet cable to your house. BONUS: Carry a pair of needle nose pliers and some electrical tape. SUPER MEGA EXTENDED BONUS: Say the following “I mean, don’t get me wrong, using your wi-fi is decent … but I’m ready to start downloading some movies.”
45: Make a post on Facebook with fake spoilers of whatever big show is on that night.
46: Ask the first person you see, “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?” Don’t sing it like an asshole. Ask it like you fucking mean it. BONUS: Scratch your neck while asking them.
47: Update your profile on Kageshi. People really do look at those things. Be creative.
48: Post the following on Facebook, “Sup, y’all? Well, it’s official. We’re going to do it!” The ONLY reply you can give to every comment you receive, “You’re just jealous!” Seriously, no matter what anyone says, reply with that.
49: Make an account on Craigslist and create an ad with the headline “ISO: Information. Will pay for answers” In the post itself, paste the following: “I’m looking for a website that will allow me to post advertisements for the stuff I want to sell. It has to be free and it has to allow images.” Reply to every email you get, with “Sorry, I found a site already, but thank you for wasting my time.”
50: Call a local radio station and ask them if they’ll let you read a poem you wrote, on the air. If they say “no”, ask them how it feels to hold back talented people from reaching their goals.
51: Make a peanut butter sandwich. We here at KLN coined it the Five Finger Death Lunch.
52: Offer to drive a friend to and from work for an entire month. Never show up.
53: Change all of your social media profile images to a pic of Ebenezer Scrooge.
54: Adopt a doggo (puppy). [Submitted By Banana Box]
55: Get some safety pins and use them to hang slices of bologna on your shirt. Run around the inside of a gas station, yelling out, “There will be no mustard in my pants!”
56: Offer to shave your neighbor’s back.
57: Invite 5 people to go to the movies. Tell them you’ll pay. Give them the name of the movie theater and the time the movie starts. Tell them to meet up in the parking lot of the theater. Never show. Do not answer your phone for 2 days to successfully pull this one off.
58: Learn how to play the guitar.
59: Sign up for tennis lessons. Never actually show up.
60: Post the following on Facebook, “Anyone that reads this is a piece of shit, family included.” Like your own post.
61: Call a crisis hotline and tell them you have PTSD from catching your father having sex with a bowl of spaghetti a few nights ago.
62: Prank call your own family. Tell them you’re the IRS and their ‘days are numbered’.
63: Walk backward in a busy section of a shopping mall.
64: Write “FUCK CHRISTMAS” on someone’s door with a black marker.
65: Call your local newspaper and tell them you have a hot tip. When they ask what it is, tell them, “Santa Clause isn’t real.”
66: Throw a handful of skittles at someone riding a bike.
67: Go to a park, stand on a bench and yell, “WE HAVE NO PRIVACY!”
68: Call a pizza place and ask them if they’ll front you a large w/ pepperoni ’til next Tuesday.
69: Walk up to random people and ask them if they’re built to serve. Trust me on this one.
70: Buy some chalk and draw a pentagram on someone’s driveway. Sit in the middle of it and hold a lit candle. Do this until someone notices you. Once they do, pretend to try to erase the chalk (with your hand) and then run like hell.
71: Tie a piece of string to an empty soda can. Tie the other end around your cat or dog’s ankle. Await results.
72: Call a friend (knowing they’re at work) and ask them to pick you up so you can buy smokes and beer.
73: Write a song about writing a song about writing a poem.
74: Shave one arm.
75: Make an account on XVIDEOS and upload videos of you crying.
76: Go to Google and search for: How do I search on Google?
77: Empty your trash can, fill it with water, and stand inside of it at the curb.
78: Dislike 20 random videos on YouTube.
79: Log into Facebook and comment on one of your family member’s photos with, “This is why I don’t tell people we’re related.”
80: Call McDonald’s and ask them if they have the McChristmas.
81: Stand in a checkout line (find a long one), and when you get to the cashier, say “Just kidding”, and walk away. BONUS: Turn around and yell “WORLDSTAR!”, at the people who were standing in line behind you.
82: Call your ex and ask him/her how it feels to know you swapped DNA with each other.
83: Run up an escalator.
84: Approach people while they’re pumping gas and say “You know that’s water, right?”
85: Watch B-Movies. Look for the old horror ones.
86: Call tech support for your computer and tell them your computer isn’t starting up. Let them go through an entire 20 minute (or longer) over-the-phone repair, and then say “Oops! I forgot I dropped it in the pool yesterday.”
87: Stick a Post-It note on someone’s windshield that says “Do that foul shit again and next time I’ll report you to the police!”
88: Call the dollar store and tell them you only have 99 cents and are wondering if they’re willing to barter with you. Offer money in increments of $5, $10, $20, etc.
89: Call and ask if you can pay your mortgage in pennies.
90: Get $10 in pennies and use them at a self-checkout for something that costs $7-$8.
91: Get in line as early as you can for Black Friday. Pick any popular store. Stay there until the line is massive and then shout “I’ll sell my spot for $200!”
92: Pull up to the 2nd window in a McDonald’s drive-through and tell them that you forgot what you ordered. Await results.
93: Make an ad on Craigslist with the title: “ISO: 2 turntables and a microphone”.
94: Call your local newspaper and ask them how much their ads cost. Let them go through the entire list of prices with you, and then say “Oh, I am so sorry, you must have the wrong number”.
95: Downvote 20 random people on Imgur.
96: Start a thread on 4chan that says “How to shitpost?”
97: Call a cab to your house and then deny ever calling when they arrive.
98: Call the local radio station and request bands that don’t exist. Be creative! Make up your own fake band names, or try some of these: The Dick-in-the-asses, The Swiss Cheese Cartel, or Amy’s Enema Straw.
99: Go to the grocery store and move shit from one shelf to another. If you’re slick enough, you can change an entire lane to another location. Bring a shopping cart to pull this off.
100: Come up with a list of one hundred things that people can do when the holidays have them down.
101: Ask a random passerby what country you’re in.
102: Tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you’re actually a spy.
103: ‘Moonwalk’ with no shoes or socks on, in the middle of a busy intersection.
104: Draw a penis on your forehead and walk around Walmart.
105: Call a poison control center and tell them that you drank tap water from the kitchen sink.
106: Propose to a complete stranger.
107: Reply to ‘Help Wanted’ ads. Give them your friend’s information and ask them to call you at 7 AM the following day.
108: Learn a new language.
109: Write “THIS AIN’T YOUR DADDY’S LOVING” on a white T-shirt. Wear it to a bar.
110: Accuse someone of being racist.
111: Tell your friends that you’re moving to [insert a far away country], and ask if everybody can meet up for dinner – on you. Tell them to meet you at [insert restaurant] and never show up. Wait until an hour after you’re supposed to meet them and send a text that says, “Changed my mind, lol, my bad.”
112: Tell 10 random people on the street that you have it out for them.
113: Tie a bandana around your arm and dance in the middle of the street.
114: Climb on top of someone’s car and sit on the roof with a laptop. Stay there until someone notices you. If they do, yell out “Why is your internet so shitty?!”
115: Call 5 people in your contacts and tell them “I’m just calling to let you know that I’m about to take a shower”, and then hang up.
116: Reply to spam email with short stories about your life.
117: Change your voicemail message to “If I don’t answer, it’s because I just don’t want to talk to YOU specifically. Then mass-text 20 people with “Sending this as a mass text, lol. I’m having a keg party this weekend and if you want to come, call me so I can tell you the details! This is an invite-only party.”
118: Post the following on Facebook, “I just broke down. Can anyone help? Message my inbox if you can! <3”. Reply to each person with a different location.
119: If you see an infomercial, call it and ask about the product advertised. When they finish, say “You know … you’re just not convincing me enough to buy this”, and hang up.
120: Walk around in circles in front of people.
121: Hold the door open for somebody. If they thank you, say “That’s racist”, if they don’t thank you, say “YOU’RE WELCOME!”, as loud as you possibly can.
122: Ask someone random (but of the same-sex) to marry you.
123: Walk around Walmart and yell out “Yeah, that’s definitely going on People Of Walmart tonight”, to people with their back turned to you.
124: Call your old high school and ask to speak to the principle. If they patch you through, say “You failed me”, when he/she answers, and then hang up.
125: Call Burger King and ask if they’re ready to go to war with McDonald’s in real life.
126: Hide someone’s phone.
127: Pretend that your arm is stuck in your mailbox. Scream for help and if someone comes to your rescue, tell them that you’re just practicing for a part in a movie and to mind their own business.
128: Dig up enough dirt to fill a small Tupperware dish. Take a picture and place an ad on Craigslist for: “REAL DIRT $50, OBO”.
129: Point at people in public and laugh.
130: Go to a grocery store and poke a hole in a big bag of flour with your keys. Carry the flour around the store. Pretend you don’t hear anyone if they say you’re leaving a line of flour behind you. [Editor’s note: this will also work with sugar.]
131: Go to PetSmart and fill up a shopping cart with as many bags of dog food that’ll fit. Wheel it up to the cashier, let him/her ring you up, and then just walk out. Say nothing. Just leave.
132: Ask a police officer if you can do a ride-along with them.
133: Call Pizza Hut and start singing ‘Happy Birthday’ when someone answers. If they hang up on you, call back and try it again.
134: Walk up to random people and cough as loud as possible.
135: Make your bed.
136: Get a lawn chair and set it up on your neighbor’s porch. Lay on it and whistle random harmonies. BONUS: Do this late at night.
137: Make a lemonade stand in your driveway. If someone walks up, kick the table over (towards them) and run.
138: Go to a music store and tell an employee that you’re a drummer. Say you’ve won a bunch of awards – just lie. Ask them about that drum kit that’s set up, and ask if you can give it a try. Regardless of what they say, sit down and horribly play the drums as loud as you can – for however long you can. BONUS: Hit the 1-minute mark and you may end up going viral.
139: Bring a sleeping bag to someone’s front door and ask them why they keep leaving it on your doorstep. Threaten to ‘get the police involved’ if they ‘keep it up’.
140: If you can legally drive, at every red light, say “Man, I am drunk as FUCK!”, as loud as you can. Don’t look at anyone, just say it and leave it at that.
141: Convince someone they can get high as fuck if they smoke crushed up cat food in a cigar.
142: Tell someone you love them.
143: Go to sleep fully clothed and with your shoes on. When you wake up, you’ll feel like shit, but at least you won’t feel as bad as you did after realizing that you read this whole entire piece of shit post.
Did we leave something out? Leave a comment and submit your own! We’ll add it to our list and link your profile as well. Be sure to indicate that your comment is a submission for this list along with the URL to your Kageshi profile, Facebook, or whatever else you’d like to promote.
Another way to join in would be to list the numbers of your most and least favorite ideas in the list above. We appreciate all the feedback we can get! And as always, if you spot any grammatical errors, feel free to correct us as often as needed. We’d appreciate that a lot!
The KLN staff